


I LOVE YOU

by CLEBANGTAN



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love, banginho, minchan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:01:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26050813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CLEBANGTAN/pseuds/CLEBANGTAN
Summary: in which minho wishes they could go back to the time before chan said "i love you"- inspired by 'i love you' by billie eilish
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 4
Kudos: 84





	I LOVE YOU

when someone lets those three little words slip, you're supposed to feel loved and safe. but, the day chan had said it to minho, minho was afraid. not because he didn't love chan back, but because he did. and that was absolutely terrifying.

telling chan he loved him would make minho vulnerable. telling chan he loved him would mean everything would change. he didn't want anything to change, but the second those words left chan's lips, it did.

three separate times chan said "i love you." three separate times minho made him cry. minho knew chan deserved someone who didn't make him cry, deserved someone who could say "i love you" back.

minho didn't know if he could be that person for chan, he didn't know if he was capable of loving chan the way chan wanted him to love him.

minho didn't want to love chan, but he did anyway.

**[ it's not true, tell me i've been lied to. crying isn't like you. ]**

the first time chan told minho he loved him was when they were both drunk at one of changbin's parties. naturally, house parties meant chan challenging minho to beer pong, knowing damn well both of their alcohol tolerances were low. but, both were equally competitive and never turned down a challenge.

which led to the two boys sitting by the edge of the pool, bare feet dangling in the water. minho's head resting on chan's shoulder, chan humming with a smile on his face. their hands less than a centimetre apart, both of them subconsciously hoping that minimal distance would disappear. chan was the one to grab minho's hand, he was always the braver one.

they had held hands before. being as close as they were and knowing each other as long as they had, made them comfortable with skinship without it meaning anything. at least it didn't mean anything until chan said the words that made minho's blood run cold.

"i love you."

minho looked up at chan, eyes wide and at a loss for words. he searched chan's face, frantically looking for the tells of a lie, for any evidence that what he had said was nothing but a joke and they would go back to how they always were. they would blame it on being drunk, and they'd wake up the next morning with a horrible hangover and laugh about it. it would be nothing but another chapter added to their developing novel.

chan was serious, and minho laughed. the only way minho knew how to respond other than saying "that's funny."

chan laughed too, but minho knew he was trying to cover up his disappointment. chan looked down into the water, his laughter dying out as quickly as it came out. tension filled the space around them, and chan reluctantly let go of minho's hand. minho wanted to grab it again as if he hadn't just broken chan's heart.

minho didn't realize how much he had fucked up until he saw that chan was crying. chan had always been a softie, not afraid to show his emotions. but he rarely cried in front of minho. during the six years of their friendship, minho had seen chan cry once, and that was when they had watched big hero 6.

"chan, are you crying?" a stupid question, the answer as clear as day laid out right in front of him. but the only thing minho knew to say.

"you know i'm an emotional drunk."

which wasn't a complete lie. but chan's personal definition of 'emotional drunk' was clinging to his friends and saying how much he appreciated them. not the crying type of drunk, especially not in front of minho.

regardless of knowing that, minho chose to believe him because it was easier than confronting the situation he wanted to escape so desperately. that was minho's talent, after all, avoiding situations he didn't want to deal with. minho blamed what was said on chan being drunk, and chan wiped away his tears and began telling him a story about felix.

minho laughed along with the story, chan laughed too, and they went the rest of the night as if nothing had happened. they both knew things had changed, chan's smile wasn't as bright as it had been when the night started, and minho had a growing feeling of fear that was impossible to ignore. it was amazing how quickly three little words could change the way they looked at each other, and how quickly it made minho realize how he felt about chan.

and that terrified him.

**[ what the hell did i do? never been the type to let someone see right through. ]**

the next morning minho had woken up with a pounding headache, but he wasn't sure if said headache was from the hangover or from the overthinking. chan's words were echoing through his mind. why did chan have to say what he did? why couldn't they go back in time before his confession? minho wanted this to blow over, but a feeling in his gut said otherwise.

when chan confessed, it made minho wonder what part of him made him love him. to minho, he wasn't anything special. he was stubborn, impulsive, never showed his emotions. and yet there was chan, someone who saw something about minho to make him say what he did.

truthfully, minho could never see anyone falling in love with him.

an attraction? sure. an attraction was only skin deep. an attraction would fade away the second someone realize he wasn't as interesting as they had first thought.

love was different.

love was looking past flaws, looking into someone's soul and feeling safe. 

love wasn't the problem, minho thought, falling out of love was. falling out of love was the reason minho was so afraid.

the thought of chan seeing something in him worthy of loving, only to regret that and leave, would hurt minho more than falling in the first place. chan was too important to minho to lose, and they already had a good thing going as friends. he didn't want to risk losing those years of friendship over something like love.

but, despite saying that, minho knew he was afraid of how quickly he realized he felt the same way.

those three words made him vulnerable. those three words made him feel as if chan had been able to see right through him the entire time and saw the feelings minho myself didn't realize he had. what did minho do, what did minho say, to make chan feel comfortable enough to confess? would he have said it if he hadn't been drinking? would he have said it if he had known how minho would have reacted?

there were so many questions he wanted to ask and yet didn't know if he wanted the answer to them. he wanted to live an ignorant bliss, a bliss where the previous night didn't happen, and the only way he knew how to do that was to sleep.

**[ maybe won't you take it back, say you were trying to make me laugh. and nothing has to change today, you didn't mean to say 'i love you.' ]**

minho's phone vibrated against his bedside table, waking him up from his nap. he had always liked the moment when he first woke up, the moment before he remembered everything that had happened the night before. the moment where he would be at peace before everything came rushing back to make him feel heavy again. he rubed my eyes and groaned as he rolled over to reach for his phone. he almost wished he hadn't picked it up, the ignorant bliss would have lasted longer if he hadn't. on his screen was a text from chan.

_"sorry about last night, can we just pretend i didn't say anything?"_

they both knew it would always be there, hanging in the air regardless of the situation and how hard they both tried to ignore it. 

_"did you mean it? and don't lie"_

he almost didn't hit send, but he needed to know. it took some time for chan to reply, but minho had expected that, he knew chan too well. knowing chan, he would be processing the outcome of each response and how their situation would change depending on what he decided to say. if he said no, they could laugh it off and add it to the pile of stories they would always look back on. but chan always had to be honest.

_"and if i say i meant it? if i actually love you?"_

then minho would be absolutely terrified.

_"i would ask you to take it back"_

minho knew he broke chan's heart again and he hated myself for it. he didn't deserve this. he deserved someone who would return the love he had to give and double it. chan's heart was so big, and minho was shattering it like glass. but unlike himself, minho knew chan would only grow stronger from heartbreak rather than blocking off his heart from anyone who dared to reach it. 

minho didn't know how to do that. preventing people from seeing the most vulnerable part of him meant they wouldn't be able to hurt him in the first place. but, even though he could say that, he also knew chan already had his heart. he always had. he was just too scared to tell him that. 

_"i won't force you to say it back, and i won't force you to feel the same way. but i also won't lie and say i don't"_

why did chan always have to be so honest? why couldn't he lie, just this once? he was making things so difficult and minho wasn't helping the situation by being a coward and not telling him the truth.

he took a minute to convince himself to say it back. maybe this was something that could work out. chan loved minho, and minho loved chan, even when he didn't want to. they could go on dates, they would do everything they always did just as a couple rather than only friends. they would still be best friends. but, why couldn't he bring himself to think of that outcome as a reality? why did he need to see the bad ending rather than the good? why was he so convinced that he couldn't have his own happily ever after?

minho wanted to be brave like chan. he wanted to be able to say that he loved chan with his entire heart and soul.

_"i love you_

_"i love yo|_

_"i love y|_

_"i lov|_

_"i lo|_

_"i l|_

_"i|_

but he couldn't.

_"i'm sorry"_

and he truly was.

**[ up all night on another red eye, i wish we never learned to fly. ]**

chan was known to not be able to sleep. he always pulled late nights, tossing and turning until he decided it was better to just get up and do something productive. he was used to staying up until the sun rose in the morning and he was used to surviving the day on only a few hours of sleep, as unhealthy as it was. he was also used to his thoughts keeping him awake, and not being able to turn them off even for a few hours of a peace.

however, the past two nights had been the worst he had experienced so far. he didn't think he even slept ten minutes before thinking back on what had happened the past two days. he almost wished he hadn't said anything, if he had just kept his feelings to himself he wouldn't have created any of the tension he was experiencing right now. hut he knew that if he had kept his feelings bottled inside him even for a day longer, he would have exploded.

when he had told minho he loved him, he experienced a wave of relief. all of the weight he had been feeling since he realized he was in love with his best friend three years ago had lifted and he felt nothing but freedom. that was why he told him he didn't regret it, and refused to take it back. this was something he needed to do for himself, regardless of the consequences that it had, and would continue to follow, due to his choices.

what kept him awake was not his regret in being honest in how he felt, it was the response he had received. he wasn't saying that he expected minho to feel the same way, in fact he was almost positive that he didn't since he knew how closed off he usually was. he just didn't know why he was so adamant in wanting him to be lying. if he had said he didn't feel the same, chan could work towards moving past the rejection and moving forward to go back to a friendship that was strictly friendship. he could cry a little, eat some ice cream, and get over it.

what kept him awake was the fact that minho didn't say he _didn't_ love him.

he could have easily been implying that statement by wanting him to take back what he said, but chan had always been an over thinker and an optimist. not receiving a blatant "i don't love you" made him want to believe there was still a chance, even if it was small. or maybe that was just him wanting to believe he didn't have to live in a universe where the person he loved was nothing more than just a friend.

maybe chan was just stuck in that moment where he felt free from his feelings. maybe he wanted to live in that short moment where the statement lingered in the air and there was the possibility minho could return his feelings forever because it was so much better than the moment they were in now.

no, he didn't regret saying "i love you," but he did regret how light and happy he felt in that moment only for it to fall back onto him and make him feel 10x worse than he did before. he was back to feeling stuck, he was back to feeling afraid to say what he really wanted to say. it was like being given the power of flight, being able to go anywhere he wanted, whenever he wanted, only for it to be taken away and chained back to the ground.

chan had tasted freedom, and that made feeling trapped even more agonizing.

**[ maybe we should just try to tell ourselves a good lie. i didn't mean to make you cry. ]**

the second time minho had made chan cry made him feel worse than the first. chan wasn't drunk, he didn't have "being an emotional drunk" as an excuse. this time chan was purely broken hearted and it was entirely minho's fault. he knew the other night was his fault as well, but he liked to convince himself that chan being drunk added onto his emotions. it was a scapegoat to make himself feel better even though he didn't deserve it.

it had been a few days since the first time chan told minho he loved him, and they were trying to pretend it hadn't changed anything. chan put on that smile that made minho think everything would be alright, and every time he laughed he felt himself forgetting for a split second. maybe all they needed was some time for all of what happened to pass and they would go back to being how they always were. but that was another lie minho liked to tell himself. he knew chan wasn't going to let it go, and he had already made it clear he wasn't going to lie and pretend he didn't feel the way he did about minho. and not letting chan do that would make minho feel like the worst person on the planet.

he was already breaking chan's heart, he wasn't about to make him pretend he didn't care as much as he did. as much as he wanted to, it was selfish when it would only make him feel better.

what had been bothering minho the most the days following chan's confession was how aware he had become of everything he did and how it made him feel. chan's smile was more luminous than normal, and his laugh sounded better than all of minho's favourite songs. even his voice made him feel warm and safe, a feeling he didn't think he deserved after what he did.

he became aware of how chan's body heat would radiate onto him whenever they were close to each other and how his stomach did flips every time their hands would brush against each other. he found it difficult to keep eye contact with him when they would talk, his eyes were gorgeous and were filled with so much love. love that he didn't deserve. these were all things he had been able to ignore before so why was it suddenly so difficult for him to do so now? chan had made minho so aware of his feelings for him and it was absolutely terrifying. he knew he had been suppressing them for years, and it was frustrating that they now wanted to be out in the open.

all of it was overwhelming. being with chan, being near him, all of it was suffocating because minho knew chan deserved someone so much better than himself. he was so beyond selfish for holding chan's heart when he kept telling him he didn't want it. he was nothing but a liar.

the night they had both went over to jeongin's house to watch a movie with the rest of the boys was the night everything became too much. they were sitting beside each other on the couch, crammed next to each other in order to fit changbin and seungmin as well. their legs were pressed against each other and chan's arm was around the back of the couch and minho to keep it from being squished between the two. the feeling of chan being so close and the smell of his goddamn cologne was suffocating and he wanted to stay there forever. but he couldn't. he wouldn't allow himself to enjoy it when he couldn't even tell chan he loved him back. instead he said he needed some air. 

the rest of the boys didn't pay much attention, too focused on the movie in front of them. a movie minho hadn't even been paying attention to because chan was too distracting. but of course chan had noticed. he had looked up at minho leaving with concern, always being someone who worried for others, even if they didn't deserve being worried about.

he walked out the front door and sat on the porch, resting his head in his hands as he took a deep breath. everything was quiet for a few minutes, and he finally felt like he could breathe again. that was until he heard the door opening behind him and he didn't need to turn around to know it was chan. of course it was chan, his heart was too big to just ignore a friend who had left unexpectedly.

chan sat down beside minho, not as close as they had been on the couch, but close enough for minho to feel like his heart had started beating at twice the speed again. chan's effect on him was truly starting to concern him. they sat there for a few minutes, both of them not saying anything, until chan broke the silence.

"do you want to talk about it?"

minho did. but, he also didn't. "i don't know."

"you don't have to."

"i feel like i do."

"is this still about what i said before? because if it is, you don't need to feel obligated to say or do anything about it. i don't want how i feel about you to ruin everything. like i said before, i'm not going to ignore how i feel but i'm not going to force you to do the same."

"that's the thing though. i can't just ignore it. you're always there and i feel like an asshole because you're here being honest and i'm here being a coward. you're putting your heart on display and i feel like i'm trying to force you to hide it again. but, at the same time you refuse to and that makes it worse."

"then do me a favour and be honest this one time so we can figure out where to go from here. because i am completely in love with you and i want to be with you, but if you tell me right now that you don't feel the same i'll drop it and we can go back to just being friends and look back on this moment and laugh about it. i can't live in this in-between where i don't know, it isn't fair to either of us. so you either love me or you don't."

minho knew it wasn't fair, but how was he supposed to tell him that he didn't know. how was he supposed to say he was afraid to love him because he knew he didn't deserve it? how was he supposed to say he didn't want to love him when he knew in his heart he did? how was he supposed to be brave and be honest when he had grown so accustomed to lying? 

"please, please just tell me."

minho looked up at chan to see him crying again and he went back to feeling like the worst person once again. chan was begging for him to be honest and he couldn't even do that. chan was crying because minho was being stubborn and stupid and yet he was still selfish enough to be a coward.

he hated himself so much, he couldn't figure his own shit out and he knew chan didn't need to be dragged into his mess of a head. so, minho told chan the biggest lie he had ever told.

he tells him he don't love him.

**[ that smile that you gave me even when you felt like dying. ]**

"i don't love you."

right then and there, minho know how badly he had fucked up. he felt like his own heart had shattered in the process, as if he had any right to feel that way when he was the one who caused it. chan looked away and minho immediately wanted to take back what he said.

minho thought i was funny how things worked out. just a few days ago he told chan he wanted him to take back "i love you" and now he wanted to take back "i don't love you."

when chan turned back around, he was smiling. that smile that made minho feel like home was a heartbeat and shined brighter than any star in the sky. the smile that let everyone know everything was going to be alright even when chan himself was far from alright. that smile was to let minho know that the lie he just told him was okay, that chan, and they would be okay.

but he knew that was as big of a lie as the one he had just voiced moments ago.

chan's smile reassured others that they didn't need to worry, but for once minho wished chan would think of himself for once. minho didn't think he was someone who should be able to receive the reassurance of that smile. he knew chan was dying on the inside, and minho was the reason. he almost wished chan was visibly pissed at him. chan being angry at minho was something he deserved for making him think he didn't feel the same, but instead chan's heart was taking the lead.

"well, that settles it. thank you for being honest."

but he wasn't. far from it. so why couldn't he make myself tell chan that? why was he paralyzed with fear? why was he letting someone this important to him slip away just because he was afraid?

"i won't lie, i think a part of me is always going to be in love with you, even if it isn't returned. but, i'll get over it, okay? just give me time."

chan stood up, going back inside, and leaving minho where he had been sitting. in minho's head he could picture himself telling chan to wait, he could see himself grabbing his hand before he went back into the house and telling him _everything_.

he would say that he was lying, that he did love chan and that everything about love was the scariest thing to him and how he couldn't see anyone truly being in love with someone like him. he would say that he was afraid to be someone chan fell out of love with. he didn't want to become someone in chan's life he wished he had never wasted his time on.

it was always easier to imagine himself doing things than it was _actually_ doing them.

or maybe that's what he told himself to make himself feel better for not being someone chan needed him to be. someone who would fight for him rather than run away just because he was afraid to become someone chan didn't want anymore.

he knew he immediately regretted what he said, but he needed to figure out why he was so sure that he wasn't someone who deserved love. maybe one day, he would be able to tell chan the truth.

**[ we fall apart as it gets dark, i'm in your arms in central park. there's nothing you could do or say, i can't escape the way i love you. ]**

it had been three weeks. three weeks since they had seen each other, three weeks since they had talked to each other, three weeks since minho had made the biggest mistake of his life.

chan had locked himself in his room, much to the worry of his friends who he had also been avoiding. his phone was forgotten somewhere in the room, probably laying underneath the clothes discarded on the bedroom floor. other than the music he had blasting, he hadn't heard another human voice or had a social interaction since that night.

the music he was listening to wasn't helping the situation. all the songs were memories of minho, or about things he wanted to say to minho, but mainly they were the songs about heartbreak. chan thought getting over unrequited feelings would be easier than this. clearly, sad songs, ice cream and social isolation wasn't the cure for the broken heart he wanted it to be.

chan didn't know how to make himself feel better when the person who always made him feel better was the reason he felt like this in the first place. how could he forget about someone who meant the world to him and was the one person he knew he needed in his life?

he needed to move on. wallowing in self-pity wouldn't let him move on like he had planned. so he stood up, and spent a few minutes trying to locate his now dead phone, and plugged it in to see the flow of ignored text messages and phone calls he had missed the last few weeks. he takes his time answering each one, apologizing for worrying his friends but letting them know he had needed some time to himself.

but the one text he had been surprised to see, and also the one he had been secretly hoping was there, lit up his phone.

_"can we please meet somewhere and talk?"_

it was from minho.

minho had spent the last few weeks reflecting on himself and how his denial and lying had made him and the most important person in his life miserable. he had let his fear of being left keep him away from someone who could genuinely love her. a lot of his reflecting had been on why he felt so sure no one could truly love him.

had it been the countless friends who suddenly stopped talking to him for reasons unknown to him? or past crushes that had moved on the moment he had a bad day and said one stupid thing? or was it a combination of both leading him to believe that no one he cared about would stick around when he needed them the most?

he had come to the conclusion that it was, as well as his own insecurities for letting the temporary people in his life allow him to believe he was someone who was unlovable when he had someone right in front of him who had done nothing to show him he would be the same.

chan was his best friend. he had stuck with him for years, never letting minho's inability to express his feelings like he wanted, or his stubborness, or his bad days turn him away. if anything, it made him want to stay more. when he snapped at chan to leave him alone, he would stay by his side until he had finally smiled.

chan, the boy who made him smile, made him feel safe, made him feel wanted. the boy who had owned his heart from the very beginning. the boy he _loved_.

minho knew he had been absolutely stupid for not telling chan that, and he needed to change it. so, he sent him a text.

they met at the park where they had met for the first time when they were eight. where minho had fallen and scraped his knee and shouted at chan when he tried to help. even then, chan hadn't left and they didn't even know each other.

it was midnight when they both arrived, and for a moment, it was awkward. neither of them knew what to say despite knowing there were a million things they wanted to say to the other.

minho decided to be the brave one this time, and he started with the truth. "i've missed you."

chan felt like a weight had been lifted off of his chest with those simple words. he had thought minho wouldn't want to see him anymore. "i've missed you, too. i think this is the longest we've ever gone without seeing or talking to each other since i ate your last mozzarella stick when we were eleven."

"five hours and two weeks are a big difference. but, you eating that mozzarella stick was pure betrayal."

this is what the both of them had missed. the casual conversations and ability to go back to joking around despite the tension they had surrounded themselves with for the past while. they had smiled for the first time in weeks, and were laughing as if nothing had happened and it was the moment the both of them knew they needed each other.

"so, you said we needed to talk."

"Yeah. Well, at least I need to say some things I should have a while ago."

minho took a deep breath, this is what he needed to do despite being scared to do so.

"i understand if you hate me and i understand if you never want to see or talk to me after tonight, but i need to say what i should have said that night. you told me you loved me twice and i made you cry and broke your heart because i was too much of a coward to say it back. that night at changbin's party, i should have said it back, and that night at jeongin's i should have stopped you from going back inside and told you then too. 

you're the one person who hasn't let me down. you haven't left me, you haven't judged me for being fucked up, and you choose to love me despite that and all i've done is be the type of person i hate to you and that isn't fair. i was lying before. i love you. i have always loved you and if you can forgive me i want to continue loving you despite how absolutely terrified i am to love you. so, if you can, please tell me you love me again so i can finally say it back like i should have the first time."

minho was crying and so was chan. chan's arms wrapped around minho and minho rested his head against chan's chest, listening to his heartbeat as he cried into his shirt. minho had let go, finally allowing himself to say the words he was so afraid to say and this time he didn't regret it.

chan pulled away to look at minho's tear stained face, bringing his hand up to wipe away the tears rolling down his cheeks. their eyes met, "I love you."

minho smiled, "and i love you."

it was the third time chan had told minho he loved him and the third time minho had made chan cry. but, this time minho said it back and this time they were happy tears.

**-**

they were sitting on the couch at another one of changbin's parties. the music was blaring at a concerning volume and both of their friends were around them laughing. minho looked up at chan, seeing how wide his smile was and how infectious his laugh sounded over the music. minho loved the way his hand felt interlocked with chan's and how chan's warmth met his own.

jisung said something that makes chan laugh and minho loves the way this alone makes him laugh as well even though he didn't hear the joke. he rests his head on chan's shoulder and sighs in content. chan looks at minho and leaves a kiss on the top of his head, leaving butterflies in his stomach.

it had been a year since they had officially started dating, and moments like these were minho's favourite.

the moments where everything felt right and everything had fallen into place. moments where he wondered why it took him so long to finally say "i love you."


End file.
